This is getting harder and harder. This is my marriage of more than two decades to a man who has suffered from depression and anxiety for more than three decades. This is my life of being financially dependent on a person who has now decided that his career is a big part of his continuing depression and he needs to go in a totally different path because to do otherwise would be unauthentic. This is my being blamed for everything I do that he tells me contributes to his depression. This is my going through major surgeries and the death of my mother but not being able to count on him to do the simplest household task like fill the dishwasher—thank God for paper plates and plastic cups. This is my questioning every decision I've made as an adult that has led me to today.

I'm certainly not blameless for the state of affairs, but this is life being married to someone with severe depression who was able to mask it enough just long enough that even with all the ups and downs, even with the number of times I had to talk him off the ledge, even with the jobs he left at the drop of a hat, even with financial mismanagement on both of our parts, even then I thought that stopping working full time and staying home with our children was a good idea. I fucked up big time and the chickens are coming home to roost.

This is my realizing that I can't count on him and I need to figure out a way to create a life for myself and my children that doesn't rely on him contributing a single dime or any time. This is my questioning if I can stay with him at least until my children are out of high school (6 1/2 years). This is my hoping that even though his parents have said they won't give us financial support if he leaves his career that they would at least supplement us because there's no way I can make what he was making but maybe if they see me trying my best they will do it for the sake of their grand-children. This is my wondering how in the fuck I'm supposed to find and hold down a full-time job when he demands hours of my time almost every day in ruminating conversations. This is my wishing I could say all of this bluntly to his parents so they know what's it's been like for 25+ years, so they could realize that if I hadn't been in the picture, their son would be dead and maybe I deserve some consideration for that.

This is trying to make changes for my future.