I try and remind myself that this is not all the time. I try to remember the times that his depression was much less than it is now. I try in vain to remember a time about a year ago when he was actually in a really good place. I try not to cringe as I hear myself apologizing over and over for my transgressions—going back to sleep this morning because I had a headache and that meant he didn't get up early is the latest. I try not to think about the damage this is causing to my girls—hearing their mother constantly apologizing and their father yelling and berating me. What kind of future are we creating for them? Will they end up in relationships with damaged partners because they think that's the norm?

I'm not being abused and I don't want to call it that or anything like that, but being the caregiver is really fucking hard. Especially when it's an invisible illness. If he had cancer or even a broken leg there would be friends and family bringing us dinners and asking me what they could do to help. Sharing our plight would be seen as natural. Instead, with mental illness, I put on a mask and hide my reality.

We've lived in our house for over a decade and there are neighbors who have never met my husband. I don't know what they think and I don't really care, but being an extrovert married to a depressed introvert has changed me over the years. I don't socialize as much as I used to, some of that is probably just age, but I know a lot of it is being with someone who hides from the world. I fear that rather than my drawing him out into the light, I've retreated into his cave with him.

The few people with whom I've shared what we're going through ask me what they can do, but I can't ask for help with the house because he wouldn't want anyone else around to see our shame. I worry about making plans to go out with friends because (1) I really can't afford to spend money and (2) while he held down the fort to a basic extent when I went away last month for five days (the first time I've ever left without my MIL coming to take care of the girls), I've felt the ramifications of it the last few weeks as he's spiraled deeper and deeper. The reality is that the one thing we need is money. And that's the one thing I can't ask for because it's too embarrassing.